My Parenting Theories, Just for Fun

I recently read a parenting article where some of the ideas just rubbed me the wrong way. I could see what it was trying to say, but it was not worded well. So I started thinking what I would write if I were to write a parenting article. Now you get to know what I would write too! (Because I know you were just dying to know.) I'm just going to keep this simple and bullet point a few of the principles I try to follow. Parenting should be simple. Not easy, but simple.

1. Love your child no matter what. Everything you do has to be done in a loving way, or it is wasted energy in terms of helping your children. I have had to pray fervently for many years to start to feel what it might be like to love my children unconditionally. I am nowhere close to loving perfectly, but I am starting to get a glimpse of the love I can feel if I continue asking the Lord to fill my soul with His love.

2. Give your children as much autonomy as the can handle. Let them learn to entertain themselves. Boredom is good. Let them do work that they are old enough to handle. Let them go out and do things when they are emotionally mature enough. But don't give them more autonomy than they can handle. It increases by degree as age increases. If you give children too much autonomy they won't thank you. They will think you don't love or care for them.  Be available for your children. Don't be there at their beck and call. Don't follow them around with a mop waiting to clean their messes. But be around. Have your projects and things you do, but make sure that they are things you can easily put down at a moments notice when your child needs something. And I mean NEEDS, not wants.

3. Lead by example. By this I mean that if you want something for your children or if you want them to do a certain thing, you better be doing it. For example, if you want your child to be happy while working, you need to model that. If you want your children to be productive with their time then you better be productive with yours. If you want your child to learn an instrument, then you should learn one if you haven't already. This takes a lot of planning, and dedication, but it is worth it.

4. Do what you say you are going to do. This can be taken, and is meant, many different ways. Firstly, if you promise your children something you should do it. Unless circumstances change, which they sometimes do. Secondly, I mean don't give any warning unless you intend to fully and immediately follow through. Kids need to know you mean business.

5. It's ok for kids to cry and throw tantrums. It isn't our job as parents to stop our children from their tantrums. It is our job to ignore it and let the kid figure out how to control him/herself. Just leave the room and let them figure it out. If you try to console them it just adds fuel to the fire. If your child likes to bang her head on the floor while she cries, just put a pillow under it.

6. Let natural consequences carry the day, unless your child could get seriously hurt. I'm not going to tell you what natural consequences to give, that's up to you. Ok, one example is that if a child is abusing a toy, take it away for goodness sake.

7. Chores, chores, chores. Actually, more of working together until they are a certain age, and then giving them stewardships. The only way for a person to learn how to work is to do it with someone.

8. Keep things as simple as possible. Keep clutter and toys to a minimum. Keep the tv off as much as possible with young children. Have a basic routine so you minimize the ammount of decisions you have to make in a day. I don't say this because I heard it somewhere. I say this because I have been simplifying over the last few months and my children have completely changed for the better. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it for myself.

Give yourself fully to being a parent. I used to be afraid of losing myself as a mother. But I finally gave in, and let myself fully engage as a mother. By doing that I found myself. Don't hold back. Give it your all, and you will be happy. If you find yourself in the downward spiral of wanting more time for yourself and being angry that children demand so much from you, then check your selfishness level. Selfishness destroys much, and I let it get the best of me for a while. That is not a happy life. The only way to be happy is to immerse yourself in the parental experience. No holds barred. Love completely, give your all, and enjoy the time you have.

Those are my bullet points (at least what I could think of for now). What are yours? It's worth a lot of considering.

Our Privilege

A while ago we had a lesson in relief society (http://www.lds.org/relief-society/daughters-in-my-kingdom/manual/live-up-to-your-privilege?lang=eng&query=privilege) on living up to our privilege. The lesson was very inspiring, but it never seemed to explain just what our privilege is. It seemed to be saying that the work we get to do is a privilege. And it is, but why? There must be something we get from doing that work that is the true privilege.We get many benefits from doing the Lord’s work, but one benefit really stood out to me last night: joy.

I was reading Alma chapter 27 in the Book of Mormon. This is part of the story of Ammon. Ammon had returned to the land of the Nephites, and ran into his long-time friend Alma. Verse 17, “Now the joy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the earth. 18 Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is the joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.” Then it hit me. Our privilege in following the gospel of our Savior is joy. Utter and complete joy that swallows our physical frame. Have you experienced this joy? There have been times in my life where I have experienced a tiny sliver of this joy, and it is exquisite.

I also began thinking about people in general, and what they seek in life. I learned about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in college, and I might have to disagree with him. He says that human needs progress from needs for food and shelter and increase up to safety, love, esteem, and self-actualization. He says your needs from the bottom of the list must be met before you have any desire to gain the higher needs. I would wager (only I wouldn’t, because I don’t) that the one basic need, which encompasses all those levels, which everyone seeks in this life is joy, or happiness. I have never been truly hungry, or destitute, or without love, but I wonder if deep down people who are deprived of those necessities want to get them because they want to be happy.

2 Nephi 2:25, “Men are that they might have joy.” If we were created for the purpose of having joy, then it would seem that joy is what we seek. Also, if we were placed here to have joy, then it would also make sense that every command we receive from the Lord would be given to us that we might have joy.President Hartman Rector, Jr.(http://www.lds.org/ensign/1973/07/success-a-journey-or-a-destination) said, “The only real joy and happiness we can know here upon this earth, as well as in the eternities, will come through obedience to the Lord’s commandments.” Joseph Smithsaid, “Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it. …” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 255.)

I have heard that we are given posterity that we might have joy and rejoicing. President Hartman Rector Jr. again in the same talk said, “’be fruitful, and multiply and replenish the earth.’ (Gen. 1:28.) Why should they do this? ‘That ye may have joy and rejoicing in your posterity.’” I have kind of scoffed at this idea, thinking that I was given children to make my life harder, not more joyful. Lately I have been realizing that I haven’t found joy in my posterity because I am not living up to my privilege of overpowering joy. I am not living my life in such a way that I can experience the joy that is available to me by following the commandments whole-heartedly. It is my fault if I don’t find joy in this life. President Rector said, “The Lord gives no commandments to his children that are not calculated to make them happy and thus successful. Therefore, he has added to the basic commandment of ‘be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth,’ the reason for so doing: ‘that you may have joy and rejoicing in your posterity.’”

My last idea is this: just doing the right thing, just outwardly keeping the commandments, is not enough to receive great joy from the Lord. My whole life I have kept the basic commandments. I have outwardly done all that I have been asked. But I have inwardly been reluctant. I have done the things that have been required of me, but I resented doing them. I felt like I had to, or that I was forced into it somehow (I was the one forcing myself) and resented doing it—whatever it was. I would obey my parents, but I wouldn’t honor them. I would offer to make a meal for someone, then complain to myself the whole time that I had to do it. I don’t have to do it. The Lord doesn’t force us to do anything. But if we want to live up to our privilege of immense joy, we must give of ourselves willingly. We must willingly give our old self to the Lord. We must sacrifice our base desires on the altar, like the bullock and lamb were offered on the altars in the Old Testament. Like our Savior offered Himself on the Cross. We must give ourselves fully to Him. D&C 64:34, “The Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind.” I choose joy. I choose to be “encircled about eternally in the arms of His love.” (2 Nephi 1:15) Now that is true joy.

Equality vs. Sameness

Equality is something the United States have been fighting over for a long time. It has included rights for the worker, slaves, and even women. It was written into the constitution: "we hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal" (men, of course, meaning every living person). There is always a sense of injustice if one person rules over another. It is not just to have inequality. But what does that mean? I would submit that equality does not mean being the same.

It seems that more and more these days the push is no longer for equality but for sameness. The government, whose role is "to secure these rights" of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," according to the Bill of Rights, seems to feel the need to make each citizen the same. By government, I really mean those elected officials who we have put in a position to uphold the law. But we almost treat the government nowadays like it is a living, breathing entity. But for the sake of ease, I will just say the government. How have they (the government) tried to make everyone the same? In a few ways I can think of. One, wealth distribution. Two, schools.

Let's start with wealth distribution. We don't have a system (yet) where we take money directly from the wealthy and give it to the poor. But, in a roundabout way, that is what we have. The wealthy are taxed more, have less government derived benefits, and are still scorned. The poor are directly benefited by those hard-working wealthy in the form of Medicaid and Medicare, food stamps, the infrastructure of this country (like roads and bridges), and other ways like tax credits. Why is this so? So that we can all be the "same." However, and very nature of the system points out to the biggest flaw of this argument. We are not the same. If we were, we wouldn't be taking from some to give to others. And that's ok to not be the same.

Schools. In school everyone is made to learn the same things. Especially now that the common core is being implemented around the country. Everyone takes the same tests, everyone studies the same subjects, everyone reads the same books. This would seem to indicate that we are preparing each person to do the same thing when they are done with school. Why should everyone take calculus when only a handful of people are ever going to need it? It wastes time. Time that could be spent on a person's true passions and talents. If every person had a chance to study their interests in depth from a young age things would be very different. Those drawn to science could keep their passion and excel in their scientific discoveries and contributions. Those interested in literature could spend more time learning to write and writing beautifully.

The problems with trying to force sameness are plentiful. Some are that it brings the average everything down. In school, since we must all be the same and progress at the same rate, the fast learners are held back (and then get in trouble for disturbing the class when they have nothing to do) to the pace of the slow learners. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with slow learners. There isn't. Every person has his own meaningful contribution to make to society. I'm saying the problem is that we are trying to make people who are very different be the same .Each person pursuing his passion would contribute immensely to the world around them rather than just getting by to get a grade, or keep their job. But rather than encouraging individualism, which leads to passion and innovation, everyone is encouraged to be the same. Being the same as everyone else doesn't create a desire to excel. It makes people stop caring about anything. If we were the same, this model of schooling would work. But it doesn't. It might look like it works, but by studying history and comparing it to today we find that it doesn't. Farmers back in the post revolutionary war era were better educated than most of our population these days.  It also brings the average wealth of countries down. Look at the examples of all the starving communist countries. There is no reason to excel and create, because it will just be taken from you and given to someone else. So instead everyone starves.

The Bill of Rights, opening the constitution of the United States, says, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." So how are men equal? In their rights. Their rights to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Men are equal in their God-given rights and their divine worth, and that is about as far as it goes. Men do not have the same abilities, talents, desires, or missions in life. We are not the same, not were we meant to be.

Working Together

I'm sure the actions of the Congress of the United States have been on all of our minds lately. How could they not be? It's almost like a circus show. Republicans blaming Democrats, and vice a versa. It has become a blame game, and no longer seems to be a forum for intelligible debate. A few things hit me tonight about this whole mess. One, that one person cannot possibly (with the exception of the One) experience everything there is to experience. Two, we need differing opinions to be able to come to the best solutions. Three, by finding the commonalities in differing opinions we find the underlying principles, the truth.

Even in one community that encompasses twelve square miles, each and every person has a different experience of life. It is through, or because of, those experiences that we form our opinions. It would make sense, then, that the opinions we hold depend in large part on the experiences we have had. It would also make sense that no one person's opinion is perfect. No one party's answer is the perfect answer, because that answer has come from their narrow perspective on life.

Detectives piece together what really happened at a crime scene by scrutinizing every opinion of every witness they can find. By looking at the problem from each angle, they are closer to finding the truth than if they only consulted with one witness. Each person is like a witness to life, each bringing a different angle to what happens. No angle is wrong. No angle is necessarily right. But by bringing them together you can find the commonalities and find the right answer. When people who come together put their personal opinions above others' opinions, the ability to see the beauty in each other's input is lost. Pride and false self-importance destroys the ability to work together. It kills the camaraderie needed to devise solutions together.

This brings me to my next point: people with differing opinions working together can come up with a better solution than one person merely working off of his/her own opinions. When you take two disparaging opinions and look for the commonalities you are closer to finding true principles. It is these principles that we need to work from to find great solutions. The truth is, opinions are merely that: opinions. They are not truth. But when you bring people together with different views on life and look for the areas where they can agree, we come closer to the truth.

We are all in this together. We are all on the same team. Or have we forgotten? The blood that was shed to create our freedom forged a bond in this country that now seems to be forgotten. During the Constitutional Convention everyone didn't agree on everything. In fact, there was probably not a single thing that everyone agreed on 100%, except that they needed to be united. They were willing to work together for the greater good. They were willing to find the truth underneath their various and diverging opinions. They put aside their personal pride to bring this country together, and we can do the same. Or can we? Remember: united we stand; divided we fall.

Big Brother Novels

I just started reading Son today, by Lois Lowry, the sequel to the Giver. It reminded me a lot of the book Agenda 21. Also 1984, and somewhat Animal Farm. These books all have the same underlying ideas, which I started to compare to our lives today. We read these books and think how awful it would be to lice like that, but then we don't realize how close we sometimes are to the same thing. So, here are some of my comparisons.

Parents caring for their own children/family closeness

I don't remember precisely how it is in 1984, but in both Agenda 21 and Son parents do not care for the children they bear. In Agenda 21 a man and woman (put together by them [whoever them is]) produce children, but then the child is taken to be raised in a facility. In Son certain women (girls, really) are chosen to be birth mothers. Then they aren't even allowed to see the baby or know anything about it before it is taken away. The babies are raised for the first year in a facility, then placed with a couple. The couple applied to be assigned a spouse, then then apply to be given a child.

The idea seems to be family unity and closeness are not desired. Love is dangerous in a society that needs to be closely controlled. Why? Probably because we will do more for those we love than those we don't care about as much. How does that relate to our society? The prophets have been warning for years about the importance of family. Family unity today is not what it used to be. It is, sometimes, like people living their lives separately that just happen to live in the same house. The family connection is lacking. Obviously not every home is like this, but more and more this is the case.

The state caring for children

This goes along with the previous topic, but is slightly different. In Agenda 21 more specifically, children are taken to be raised in an institution. Propaganda is then taught to the children, and anything goes. The people taking care of the children don't care about the children. They are just doing their assigned job. They aren't even taking care of the children because they love children. They were just given the job so they do it. Without the deep, nourishing love of a family, people aren't taught to love and care for other people. Without being loved and shown love people do not gain the capacity to love--through no fault of their own. It's just not possible.

Things today are definitely not that bad. People still have the choice to homeschool, send their children to private schools, or send them to charter schools. However, children now spend more time in school than in previous years, and they have more homework from school. So the state run institution takes up more and more of their time, leaving less time for the parents to instill their values in children. And children now go to school at earlier ages. Children used to start formal schooling at age 8, or later. Now there are some states that have pre-k starting at age 3. And if your child is behind developmentally, there are state run programs that start at three even. I'm not saying that this is forced on us. It's not. I'm just pointing out that in both instances children are not as able to have their parents values instilled in their lives because someone else's values are taking precedence. But, why not? It's free! Or, why not? I'm already paying for it.

Knowing history

In all of these books, knowing history, or how it used to be, is prohibited. Everyone thinks that life has always been the same way. Agenda 21 even has maps outlawed. People either don't know, or are not allowed to discuss history. Books are nowhere to be found.

Very few people today seem to care about history. Some do, but most don't. I think this has a lot to do with how history is taught. History is taught as dates to be remembered. The acts of courage, the lies, the deceits, the service that is given, the stories are not taught in rich detail. The stories, the trends, the lives of great people, are not taught. This is what can be learned from history. Also by comparing things from how they used to be to how they are now we can see where our society is heading. Maybe then something can happen about the current trends. But certainly nothing will change if no one understands where the trends are heading compared to where they were in the past.

Discussing ideas/privacy/freedom of speech

Hidden microphones about in these books to monitor what is being discussed. Certain topics are off limits, and people get in serious trouble for discussing those off-limit topics. Anything against the current way things work are dealt with severely. In Son, the birth mothers aren't even allowed to talk about the experience of giving birth with those who haven't yet had their first child born. People just disappear if they talk about the wrong things.

In today's world I can see two things that might be comparable. First, we just don't discuss great ideas. There is some unspoken taboo, political correctness even, so we don't talk about the great ideas that our society is founded upon. Also, many people aren't even exposed to the great ideas of the past. Many people don't want to be bothered by them. Entertainment is what people seek, not fulfilling, enriching ideas. Secondly, (this just hit me and is a little unnerving) all the ways the government is gathering electronic data to "prevent terrorism." Maybe that is their reasoning, maybe not. It could be an excuse, their reason for being able to monitor communications with less criticism. Less criticism because they are just protecting us from terrorists. I'm not trying to look like some conspiracy theorist; but even if the intent is purely to protect us now, the infrastructure and legality of collecting huge amounts of communication between private citizens is being put into place. Who knows if that means that one day it will be used in the wrong way.

The scariest thing I realized is that none of this has been forced on us; at least not in a way we realize. It has all either been self-imposed, or done slowly so that we don't think about it, or it has been done for reasons that seem to be for the greatest good (i.e. gathering information to keep us from terrorists, public school taking up more of our children's time in the name of staying competitive in today's global economy). We aren't kept from history, we don't see it's importance. We aren't forced to give up our children, we gladly give them up because of our selfishness. We aren't forced to not discuss certain ideas, we just stay away from the social taboo that has been created around discussing anything that might be controversial. Scary? I don't know yet. Coincidental? Maybe....maybe not. Definitely something to keep an eye on.

The measure of my creation

Do you think we all have a specific mission we were sent here to fulfill? Or are only a select few (like the prophets) sent with specific missions?

Societal Wellbeing: it's all up to individuals. And how this idea fits in with teachers and spublic schools

The last couple of days I have had an interesting conversation on a Facebook group to which I belong. It was about the role of public schools in today's society, and in truth went all over the place. But it got me thinking today about society and how to make society better. You know, we all have grandiose ideas that we can save the world one way or another. The truth is, no individual can single-handedly save the world. Even a group of people working together is never going to save the world. The only way to save the world is by one individual at a time. The only way to save our schools is by each person involved taking responsibility.

What makes a great society great? The individuals that collectively make up the society. The culmination of each individual's actions is what shapes society, so the way to make it great is by each individual doing his or her part.

Going back to where I started, what is the role of public schools in all of this? Well, the system itself is not going to fix anything. It might not even matter in the end what system the schools use. What will matter is how each individual teacher teaches. What will matter is how each student takes ultimate responsibility for his or her education. And it will matter how each parent steps up to take responsibility for his or her own children. They system doesn't teach or learn. The individuals within the system do.

The system of our schools was invented to keep individuals (teachers, really) accountable to something or someone. They have to be accountable because they are being paid with tax dollars. We can't hire a teacher, then let anything they do slide. There have to be results. So there has to be a system to show results. The problem then becomes that one system can only test one kind of result, and if we were trying to test for every possible result then nothing would happen except testing and no teaching could be done. (But that is a whole other discussion.)

Through the system we create fear in our teachers. Fear that they won't measure up. Fear that they can't really teach after all. Fear that they will lose their job and not be able to take care of their family. I don't mean a debilitating fear. More of an unease, stress perhaps. Then slowly the teachers might begin to teach because of their fears rather than their love of the subject they teach or even the love of their students. Fear can make people do a lot of things they would rather not. Fear stresses us out. Fear wears us down. It wears us out. So after years of teaching teachers get worn out. It's all they can do to make it to class and get their students to pass their tests so the teacher can keep his or her job.

Then we have those rare teachers who don't give in to the fear. We have those teachers who continue to teach because they love it. They continue to inspire their students to greatness because of their passion. They decide that they must keep their individual responsibility to the students rather than giving up that responsibility to the public school system. These teachers are the ones who lift their students to greatness. They give their students an inner drive, enthusiasm, and passion of their own. They light a fire in their students by sharing some of their own fire.

Now back to individuals and responsibility and tying that idea to schools. We cannot blame the system of our schools for our problems. It's not perfect. It's not (in my opinion) the best possible solution to train up a new generation. But it's the best we've got, and I don't see it changing any time soon. So what can be done? Each person involved needs to take personal responsibility for education. Each student must realize, and be taught, that the level of their understanding around any subject is their personal responsibility. Teachers must take responsibility for inspiring their students. The test results will take care of themselves if each student has a drive to learn. Parents must take responsibility to make sure their children are getting a great education. Sometimes that means taking them out of the public schools, sometimes that means supplementing their education, and sometimes it just means being involved in the process wherever they can. Personal responsibility varies by person, and that is why I can't tell anyone where their responsibility lies. I know where my responsibility lies. Do you?